I found the real Thailand today

Sawasdeeka, (This is a page or two of my journal)

....the first few days in Thailand we were introduced to a side of Thailand that most tourists want to see and spend their time visiting. It is a beautiful country and a great place to visit, but I couldn't figure out what was missing. Thailand is a third world country, but where is the poverty? My group has visited tourist attractions for days, and finally I have found real life here. Life with passion, hurt, intense struggle and love. My own heart is in an intense tumble and struggle. I feel guilt for what I do have and guilt for what I cannot give because I have too little.

I guess I should start with the less serious side of my past couple of days....I have been trying to get a run in everyday while here; it just makes things taste better, smell better, feel better and it is a great way to be with people. I have been doing about 30 minutes a day with a great guy, David, and my good girl friend Emily mainly along with lots of other group members ( I have single handedly started the SST track team, we are getting pretty big :) ). But yesterday I had too much to think about and headed out on my own. And I found it. I found the real deal. My school is on the edge of Chiang Mai and against a mountain range. My run took me up the mountains toward one of the royal family's palaces.
I passed a car crash (no one was hurt), and kept climbing up past house after house of families with such different financial levels. Shacks, housing complexes, monasteries, and decent homes. How can I be spending my time running for pleasure( or pain haha) when some people are struggling to earn money to even live. I have spent countless hours worried about the fact that my occupation of choice won't get me enough money for that car I want or my dream home. How dare my thoughts be consumed by something so petty, so meaningless. No wonder my heart has felt so empty and worthless at home, I am not dwelling on anything with worth. I am not contributing to the community of America and even Westmont in a way that is truly able to make a difference because I dwell on my own silly problems. My worst fear in a day is the fact that someone said something that stung or that i am going to be late to practice and will have to face the team in a little shame :)... but these people worry for a constant flow of food in their home, for sleep, over terrible sickness and over their lost souls.
Another thing. How am I supposed to even make a difference here when I can't speak the language, when I don't have an over abundance of wealth to share or any knowledge of how to feed these people in the physical sense as well as the spiritual sense. At least some can give their skills in medicine, some can give money to others without any worry of running out, and some can just talk with them. I can do none of these options. But I can decide to not dwell on these facts and to continue to be open to God's plan and God's idea for my life. And that is where my hope comes from.
I am going to intern at an HIV positive orphanage while I am here in Thailand. I don't know how this will impact my life, but i know there will be many emotions. I am most excited to finally do something that matters.
I have so much more to write, but not enough time...

God use what I have, let it be enough, let it be something that matters.
Amen...


I hope everyone is doing well in whatever you all are busy with. Maybe by reading this a new breath of air will fill your lungs and you will be inspired to think outside of your struggles for a few moments to consider the hurts of others. I love you all, thanks for the thoughts and prayers you are sending my way
love, Katie