Life is hard

Someone told me that the second month of time abroad is harder than the first month. I didn't believe them. I have now found that this is a stupid way to take advice.
My second month in Thailand has been extremely hard compared to my first month. I think it has to do with the fact that we students are ready for the unexpected to occur the first month and don't get too fazed when something weird happens to us. But by the second month we think we should be adjusted, we should be able to talk to our host families about stuff (cause most of them don't speak English and we are 'learning' Thai) we should be settled into our internships, and we should not be shocked by so many differences.
Sidenote: I have actually accomplished an adjustment here in Thailand....I have finally stopped being repulsed by the smell of rotting coconut and other rotting vegetation that permeates the city from the open sewage :). That is a big step for me (as some of my friends know I am sensitive to yucky smells...lol) And that is when part of me realized I am starting to fit in! But then I am startled by something else culturally shocking and I am reminded of my differences to this country. Bummer.
I have been in a funk for a few weeks with my days going from AMAZING! to terrible, back to AMAZING and then to a suffocating empty feeling...all in one day. Not only is it getting hotter temperature wise here (which is affecting the mood of most of my group) it is getting hotter in a non-physical sense. Our internships are ending, we have three weeks with our families left, we have finals and papers due and we are still far from learning everything there is to learn in Chiang Mai. Earlier today I would have said I was so excited for this time to end, but this afternoon I changed my mind.
While I was at my internship at Agape ( a HIV positive orphanage) I looked at the faces of my 'kids' and realized how much they have taken of my heart. I have lived many months in the states with a saying like "It is easier not to love than to lose through love," but in Thailand I couldn't live this way anymore. These kids have taken a part of my heart. It was mine to give and I offered it with open abandonment, only, I didn't realize I was doing it.
What hurts me the most though is the fact that I will be only a face to them, I am not much more. So many volunteers go through the orphanage and play with these children for a few weeks, or maybe months, but then they eventually go back to their home countries and never return. To these children that is who I am. I am another nice girl, Pii Katie (big sister Katie) and I will leave them one day. However, to me these children have become my teachers and precious carriers of a part of me. It is hard to daily invest in them with this fact looming over my head, but I can't help it. I have grown to love these children, even though I have been annoyed by a few of them (when you have five little girls all playing with you and they keep running by you and smacking you on the bottom you would get a little annoyed too... :) )
My favorite, and I know you aren't supposed to have favorites, is a little boy named Seewanon. He has curly hair, dark skin, and tiny little limbs. He also has the cutest giggle and laughs often and has a mischievous streak in him. He happens to be the first child to take my hand and ask me to play with him in a sandbox the first day about a month ago. I have told my moma a few times that I may bring her back a cute little souvenir, and I think I may have selected him, lol. He has taught me that even though he is sick with an incurable disease, he lives life with joy and loves without much hesitation. How is it that a young child of maybe 3 can teach me a lesson that I have needed to learn for quite some time now? Granted I don't think his little head is filled with thoughts like "I have Aids, but I am going to live each day with incredible joy and thankfulness," but I am sure he has to decide how to live as an abandoned child with deep hurts.
Seewanon has influenced a lesson my spirit was refusing to learn.
I have been living spiritually dry lately. I have asked the Lord to bring back the spark that I had at the beginning of the trip, but without real desire for it. It was an incomplete craving, I still was holding on to something, I am not sure what, and it wasn't allowing my soul to breathe and for God to work in my heart. Therefore I was feeling drained, I was striving for accomplishment in the different areas of my life instead of letting Him guide me. I was trying to love and play with the kids instead of simply playing with the kids. It is hard to explain in writing. But today I realized (again) that it is a conscious decision to release my hold on my life and once again follow Him. This sounds kind of crazy, why the heck would someone 'give up their life for God to lead' them, but I have found that these words are a crummy way that we explain something that cannot really be explained in words. I mean, is there any way to explain the beauty chocolate can bring to someone's soul when they are having a bad day??? No! it is unexplainable in words :) . It is also really hard to explain the concept of God leading your every move in the day. I have heard the words 'daily surrender' which is close I guess. All I really know is that the days and moments that I somehow decide to trust my Heavenly Father have sparkled and exploded into something so unbelievable. I feel as if I am living life the way it is supposed to be lived, with great joy. And joy is different than happiness I have found. It permeates from your soul, the place that feels all warm and fuzzy when you look at a little baby, and overflows into each word and action you commit. Happiness is more of a surface thing. Anyway, my point is, when I have trusted God and quite worrying about so many little details, I live 'real' life.
Wow, this is a long post.... I wanted to share the exciting lesson in my life and to use it as an update on my time here in Thailand. I love sharing this with you and thanks for reading until the end of this extremely long blog.
Prayer Requests: For a strong finish in my school work, internship, and daily life. I also ask for prayer concerning my strong feelings of homesickness :)
Love and joy(!) from your little friend overseas!
Love, Katie